23 Things I Hate About Facebook

1. People who write cryptic shit that begs for follow up questions. It seems manipulative or pathetic. For example, "I'm in the ER!" or "Life seems crappy." Yes, and why the fuck didn't you mention any details? Why is that Debbie Downer? Now I feel like I should fish the answers out of you and feel a bit manipulated.

2. Or someone writes some pop reference or esoteric shit that either I don't understand or I do. Either way I'm sucked in. I have to research the reference or follow the posts for clues or deign to ask what the fuck it means. Or, if I do know what it means, I have to chime in 'cause i don't want to let the cool kids think I don't know their shit.

3. I'm not interested in what you are eating and cooking at each meal. If you have some really great meal, yes, I'd love some details, but every fuckin' meal is not that glamorous. I'm a foodie, but then we all eat and poo.

4. Finding out that your friends had fun with other of your friends but didn't invite you. This then begets a litany of my cryptic posts about all the fabulous times I've had with their other friends (that weren't invited either) at a frenzy of glamorous activities.

5. Being friended by high school classmates who weren't really your friends in high school, and you haven't had any contact with in years or decades; only to discover that, in their endless vacuous posts, they refreshed your memory as to why you haven't spoken to them in decades.

6. People who have an opinions about most everything, feel compelled to post them and, more often then not, it's in direct opposition to my opinion. I have been pissed at nits who think gay marriage is a sin or challenge my President, Barack Obama, or think that leashes for children are a good thing (NOT).

7. Friend collectors...Oh, really? You have over 1000 friends? Then you are either really shallow or are trying to pretend you are popular. Real celebrities get a pass on this one.

8. People that send you weird shits like Hugs and Farm Animals. I like FB egg, plant and fish games, but I don't send them to you, do I? NO!

9. The constant reporters...You really think I'm interested in how you feel once or twice an hour? Not really, bud. Oh, you are going to bed? Oh, you are eating? Oh, you are at the store? Well, I'm taking a shit. How about that?!

10. Don't you send me one of those emails that says I'll die if I don't forward it on to people and will gain increasing monetary rewards if I forward it to 5, 10, 25 or more unsuspecting friends. I'll voodoo curse your ass, bitch.

11. The low self-esteemers who are regularly reporting on their cool activities that really aren't that cool. Their constant reports seem sad and pathetic.

12. The "you-broke-up-with-me" posts...now I'm going to tell you how much fun I'm having or how sad I am or how much sex I'm getting just to spite your break-up-with-me-you-fucker ass.

13. Those fuckers of whom I'm jealous. They seem genuinely happy and productive and nice and cool. They have knock-out spouses or partners or lovers. Or they have cute kids. Or a fabulous career that they periodically post about. They post pictures of their perfect lives and friends and activities. They are never too much, but just enough to make me genuinely feel like crap.

14. Your friend's friend who you don't know and misinterprets your post to your mutual friend then defends the friend or tells you off or screws up your meaning in their reply. Mind your own damn business you fuckin' friend of a friend who I don't know and doesn't know me and doesn't know my relationship with our friend. Oh yeah, and you suck, Sparky!

15. No, that really isn't a cute thing you kids just did. You maybe should smack Johnny's ass for that or send him for a time out instead of encouraging that bratty behavior.

16. I don't give a shit if FB determined your favorite color is red. Mine is blue. I didn't need FB to tell me or YOU.

17. You really think I want to know what sexual position FB tells you your type is? NOT, and I can't believe you would post that shit for everyone to read. Have some decorum and discretion. Oh, I'm sorry...how could you even think straight in that whack position?

18. If you are on FB making dozens of posts throughout the day, that's sad. Rather than being engaging, I feel bad for you that you have no life, and I am somehow associated with you.

19. Chatters! I hate when I'm reading my FB posts while watching TV and in the zone, then I get some damn chat box erupting on my computer screen from someone I don't want to chat with much or at all. If we haven't spoken on the phone in over a year or maybe a decade, I'm fairly certain that I don't want to "chat" with you now. Send an email so I can write a one-sentence reply to your shit (BTW, I figured out how to have only people I really want to chat with see me).

20. Or those surveys people send to share factoids about themselves and then want you to share back. I really have learned many things I didn't need or want to know about you. Mostly I learned that you think your life's details are really interesting. I'm not going to respond back to you and 20 other friends because I don't think my life is that interesting. Take a clue...yours isn't either.

21. Stop poking me. Do you need my attention that badly or are you really just pissed at me? Wait, now that I think of it, you really must want to me to fuck you, don't you? Don't you wish your boyfriend was hot like me?

22. I don't want to see several hundred pictures of you, your dog, your house, your car, your vacations, etc. A few pictures are fun. Several hundred is narcissistic. (Okay, I have several dozen of myself. No one is perfect.)

23. And finally, the thing I hate about FB the most...people who can't take a fuckin' joke. That's not you, right? Good!